fight

.it's been so long that it seems like i've never danced with anyone.

.into the void.
fight
adhesivalby
so i thought i had it figured out, but clearly i don't.
it's just one of those things, i suppose.
sometimes we're just meant to stop and wonder.

.so, listen.
fight
adhesivalby
i know that i've had many a thing on my mind lately, but one just seems to stick out. what is it with me and having the hardest time getting things accomplished? it's like i try to find the hardest possible situation for myself. sometimes i just feel like giving up on everything. it's pretty depressing. and sometimes i just feel like making the best of what i have, and that's comforting. and other times i just feel like exploring the universe, exploring all the possibilities, and trying to make logical sense of something totally illogical. is that so wrong? i didn't think so. i just want things to work for me. and, you know, i really hope things work for everyone else too. i am a broken machine looking to be repaired. my joints are are bent past their boundaries, the gears have seized, the whole operation has just failed. maybe for once i'll make something positive out of a positive.

it's been a while since i had a good ramble. perhaps one day it won't be so melancholy.

hearts.

.the kind of quiet you know.
fight
adhesivalby
time equals five forty in the morning. up before the sun. or just trying to keep up with the moon, whatever the story, i haven't slept tonight. i so desperately longed for the soothing comfort of consciousness drifting away from all of this stimulus, interactions, arguments, activities, stress. making my way through a world with no boundaries or rules or anyone to tell me that i can't have what i want. if i just made it there for one second. just had a dab of the icing, the aroma pierce my senses, i wound have found that everything was just that fractionally better.

im making my way through this day with no direction, compass, or map. someone help me find my destination.

.i should be drunk by now.
fight
adhesivalby
what is it that i am missing?
i'm tired of all of this.

.elementary penguins.
fight
adhesivalby
i had seventeen thousand things that i wanted to write down before i actually got to the text box and now i can't remember any of them.

i just don't know what to think anymore. i should be mainly happy about things (ie: cruise tomorrow) but in all honesty, i'm not as excited as i should be. i don't know if its because i just woke up or what the deal is. i think it's because i'm unsure of what to expect. and if there are no expectations, then i won't be disappointed, right?

I still do want to move to london really badly. but, the more i think about it, the more i know that i am just doing it to get away from orlando, this dreary, sort of retarded-esk city. i keep on hoping that there will be something for me there, and that's what is holding my want to be there. not saying that there is one hundred percent nothing here for me. but, it's just that... i don't know.

the beatles always find a way to cheer me up, except for today. now i have to do laundry before tomorrow. lame.

who reads this anyways?

.mindless.
fight
adhesivalby
if there was ever a timeline of when to contemplate, i can see where now would fit perfectly. thirty thousand ideas, memories, randomness are swimming helplessly along a river without an end. it's not that i don't want to focus, i just don't have the focus to start. so, now i am sitting here, listening to this external stimulus and fading out. my eye is twitching and i unaware of the cause. sometimes i wonder about how life could have been if just a minor event never occurred. just random acts like getting a sandwich or watching a show on television. how much change could it possibly be? i am definitely wearing a mask from the night before.

do you ever look up into the night sky and get depressed? and when i say depressed, i mean near to the point where you feel so insignificant that even killing yourself would have no significance. how abstract of a thought is it that everything that we know and value and want to hold true is just a figment of human imagination. there is nothing that is concrete. and i say this in the context of someone, somewhere, at sometime in history had to have had the idea to find an explanation for whatever it was at hand. take for example the word "drawer". everybody knows what the physical object is. it's a box that has a side that slides out and you can put things into it. well, at what point does one find it necessary to look at that and say "you know, i think that should be called a 'drawer'"? and that can be applied to anything in life. not to say that we can deny physical existences of objects. they are clearly there in our presence, but to explain what it is, what it is made of, and where it came from, that is all the human mind at work creating an explanation. and to be completely honest, there is nothing about this rant, or objective analysis, or whatever you want to call it that i truly want you (whoever is reading this mindless babbling)to stop in your life and wonder yourself (although you should). i really just want to know if there is anyone who thinks this way? does anybody feel this way? does anybody feel like i do? i just want an intellectual to converse with.

.yeah-ish.
fight
adhesivalby
is it so wrong to want a change?
8 months have been dull.
snazzy saturdays are in full swing.
i need more ink.
i need to leave this all behind.

.not something suckass.
fight
adhesivalby
so, i need to get out of this day to day type thing. i want to go do something fun and exciting. anyone want to do anything totally ridiculous next saturday(6/23)? i am off after a meeting in the morning. let me know!!!!!!!..... please?

.scores.
fight
adhesivalby
i want to write a score, but i need something/ inspiration to write about. so, if anyone is reading this, give me some ideas...

.suck.
fight
adhesivalby
at this point in time, i hate everything...
lame.

?

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